Without you
by JapanSherlockbiased
Summary: For some reason Sherlock leaves the wedding early. John has no idea why and tries to get a hold of him. But he can't reach him


**Without you**

Sherlock was on stage playing the violin while Mary and John were on the dance floor dancing waltz. He had composed this song for the two of them, or at least, that's what he told them. The truth was he had actually composed it for his and John's wedding. Of course he knew that since John had Mary now he would never want Sherlock and their wedding would never happen. They were best mates and that's how it would stay.

While playing the waltz for them Sherlock let a few teardrops fall onto his check when his dream, his heart and all of him was breaking inside. If John hadn't asked him to be his best man he would have never showed up at the wedding. Unfortunately John asked him and told him they were best friends. He couldn't say no to him. So standing outside the entrance with John and Mary, welcoming the guests, doing a long speech about John and their amazing time together and now playing the violin for their first dance as a married couple made him feel more and more empty inside but he saw it as a battle. An emotional battle and to face it he had to put on a fake smile to endure the pain he would go through.

After finish playing the audience gave him a big applause as did John and Mary. He then stood by the microphone and cleared his throat.

"Now after dancing together for the first time as a married couple, you have taken one step into the world of marriage. I hope you will have a lasting relationship, until death puts you apart. And once again to my best friend, John Watson, congratulations on your marriage. You have chosen a wonderful woman and I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart that you will have a wonderful life with her and be forever happy. Now if you all could raise your glasses again" Sherlock said and everyone who had a glass nearby held it up. "To the bride and the groom, may they forever live happy"

"To the bride and the groom, may they forever live happy!" everyone else said together and then gave Sherlock a big round of applause.

"Now I am done talking so let's get the party going again shall we?" he said and a few of the people laughed. He put away the microphone and went down from the stage. Everyone had already started dancing to the music, including John and Mary. While dancing with Mary John looked up and caught Sherlock's eye. He smiled and whispered 'thank you' so Sherlock could read his lips. He gave John a small smile back and nodded before disappearing into the crowd of people.

John and Mary kept on dancing through all the night along with some of their guests. They had a lovely time and everything had gone really well.

After the party had finished John went to the stage where Sherlock had stood to find an envelope. It said 'To Dr and Mrs Watson'. Inside laid the notes for his waltz song and a CD with a recorded version of it. John smiled to himself.

The honeymoon was amazing for both of John and Mary. They had been away for a week in Spain and came back home filled with energy and with quite a tan. Two days after their returning home they had started working again. John was looking at patients while Mary was his receptionist and also helping him out when he had a lot of work to do. He was living a happy life as he had always wanted, but something was bothering him in the back of his mind. The difficult part was to figure out what exactly.

A month after the wedding John woke up quite early for being a Saturday morning. He stretched out his arms and looked behind him. Mary was still sleeping so without waking her he got up, dressed and closed the door after him. He went to the kitchen and put on some coffee. Lately he had changed from tea to coffee since he needed the caffeine to stay awake at work. He then suddenly remembered something.

'Why wasn't Sherlock at the wedding until the last minute? I only remember seeing him on the dance floor, saying thank you to him and then I didn't see him for the rest of the night. I wondered where he went?' he thought. He picked up his phone and called Sherlock's number but no one answered. 'Huh, that's a first. He always keeps his phone next to him. I wonder what he's up to?' He then typed in Greg's number and called him.

"DI Lestrade" a voice answered.

"Greg? It's John"

"John! Nice to hear from you, everything alright? Had a good honeymoon?"

"Yes, it was really nice. Got a quite nice tan as well. Mary really enjoyed it as well"

"Nice to hear. So, how come you're calling me then?"

"I was just wondering if you have heard from Sherlock lately?"

"Sherlock? Yeah, probably 3 days ago for a case. He finished the case and then went straight home but after that no idea I'm afraid-Something wrong?"

"No, nothing. Don't worry about it. I just haven't heard from him lately so just wondering, that's all. Thanks Greg, nice to hear from you again"

"Same for you John. Take care" Greg said before he hung up. Just then John got a phone call. It was from work and he picked up. Apparently they were short on staff and wondered if John could come in a few hours and help them. Knowing the hospital and their panic situation he wouldn't be there for just a few hours. He would probably be staying until evening. He hung up the phone, left Mary a message on the table before leaving for work.

It was a total chaos. They were performing operations, people were complaining to why they wouldn't get any help and it was all just exhausting for him.

When he walked out of the hospital it was 8 pm. He was really hungry and decided to get something to eat first. He found a nice restaurant and sat there for about 50 minutes eating and just relaxing. He then remembered his thoughts from this morning. Was Sherlock maybe avoiding him or something? He hadn't been in touch at all since the wedding and Sherlock, being Sherlock, always used to send random text to John what he was doing and other things but he hadn't received anything now for a month. Had Sherlock stopped texting him because John got married to Mary? Or was there some other reason? John decided he wanted to know and paid for his dinner before catching a cab to Baker Street.

He stepped outside the cab and looked up to the windows. It was pitch dark which was very rare for Sherlock who always stayed up all night or most of it to do experiments. He raised an eyebrow before walking towards the door. He picked up his keys, unlocked the door and stepped inside.

"Mrs Hudson?" John called out. "Mrs Hudson are you there?" He got no response. It was dark and quiet, almost like no one lived there anymore. He went to her kitchen and looked inside. Completely empty. "Huh, that's weird" He went back to the staircases. "Sherlock? Are you there?" Again, no answer. He went upstairs and carefully opened the door to Sherlock's flat. The only light came from the street lights so John turned on the lights. The flat hadn't changed a bit. All Sherlock's experiments were still lying here and there, all over the place. Papers with clues from the cases and clothes everywhere. John found himself smiling a bit seeing that nothing had changed. He continued to walk around the flat looking for Sherlock, nowhere to be found. He then noticed the door to Sherlock's bedroom was open. He carefully walked through the corridor without making too much noise and stopped outside. He put a hand on the door, opened it carefully and looked inside. On the bed lay Sherlock, dressed in his usual suit, completely white and with his eyes closed. John's breathe caught in his throat. He quickly got down on his knees in front of the bed to where Sherlock was lying.

"Sherlock! Sherlock!" he called but no response came. He took Sherlock's wrist checking for a pulse but could find none. His skin was white and his body was cold as ice. John felt tears build up. "Wha….How can you….No…..Why…" John didn't know what to do or say. The only thing he knew was that his best friend was lying dead on his own bed. He couldn't stop himself for crying which then turned into sobbing. During his sobbing his eyes caught an envelope on the small table next to his bed. On the envelope it said 'To John'. John quickly grabbed it, opened it and started reading.

"_June 15__th_

_To my dear John,_

_I am so sorry for leaving your wedding early. I was your best man and it was a very non polite thing to do but I felt that I couldn't help myself. My heart was breaking inside and I had no way of stopping it. I knew I left you for 2 years which caused you a lot of pain, but I only did it for you, to keep you safe. I apologize for the pain I caused you during those years. _

_To tell the truth I was sad coming back to find out you had found a girl who you wanted to marry. Ever since I first met you all my dreams were about you and me getting married, having children together and living happily ever after, just like in the stories. For me it was always you, I couldn't think of anyone else but you. I knew you weren't gay so I hid my feelings for you. We were still flatmates and solving cases together so I somehow managed to find my own happiness. _

_But after Mary showed up you looked so happy with her and I felt that the happiness we had together before was breaking down piece by piece. You lived together with her and was soon going to marry her. To tell the truth I wasn't planning on going to your wedding, until you asked me to be your best man. I didn't want to disappoint you so I accepted the job and did my best for preparing for your wedding. But every minute of it made me break down more and more. I couldn't stand the fact that you were going to be Mary's husband in just a few days. You would live together, our time solving cases would never be the same and one day I would be back here alone just as it was before you came along. I couldn't bare thinking about it and therefore made a promise with myself. I would do my job as your best man the best way possible to make your wedding as wonderful as it could be. Then I would go back to Baker Street to continue our life on my own. But after two weeks I was getting more and more depressed, I hardly ate, I barely slept and there weren't any cases. So on June 10__th__ I decided that I couldn't handle it anymore._

_My feelings for you were only getting stronger and killing me inside and I had no idea what to do about it. I started taking drugs again just to be able to relax, got some things fixed, managed to have a nice last dinner before today. I took the path of suicide. I already used drugs and a genius like me knew exactly how much I needed to help my heart stop. I took an overdose of heroin which is why you will notice that I am not responding to your voice. _

_I'm sorry for putting you through this kind of pain again, with loosing someone. But I needed release John. I loved you, from the bottom of my heart and I would kill for you. But knowing that I couldn't have you and that I was once again being left alone was a horrifying truth to me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to live without you._

_I'm really sorry for being this selfish but could you do me one last favour? Will you put my body in the grave you once made for me? I felt like that was the last present I got from you and I really like it. _

_I'm sorry for causing you pain once again but don't worry my dear John. I am now a free man._

_I will forever and always love you_

_With love_

_William Sherlock Scott Holmes_" John collapsed down on his knees while sobbing. He didn't know what else to do.

After 2 hours of sobbing he was now on his knees next to Sherlock's body. He couldn't do anything else but to look at his face and how peaceful he looked. He put his hand on Sherlock's check. "I am so sorry….."

He then phoned Greg about the situation. Greg hung up and his car parked outside of Baker Street not more than 7 minutes later. He ran up the stairs and heard noises from Sherlock's bedroom. He saw John and went to the room.

"John….I…..Wha…?" Greg was speechless.

"….one day" John answered.

"What?"

"One day Greg. If I had only arrived here one day earlier I might have saved his life"

"John….don't blame yourself for this. No one is to blame" he put a hand on John's shoulder for support before looking at Sherlock's body on the bed. He couldn't help letting tears fall from his eyes. He then dried his eyes and grabbed his phone. He called the headquarters and told them about the news so they could bring people to get the body. He then phoned Molly about it and left the room to meet up with his colleagues outside.

The news about Sherlock's death spread quickly around his friends and family. Everyone was devastated and couldn't believe it at first but after seeing the body they didn't have a choice but to accept it.

Two weeks after Sherlock's death his family was having his funeral. Almost 5000 people came to honor him for the help they had received from him. John, Greg, Mrs Hudson, Mary and Sherlock's family sat in the front with teary eyes and sad faces. John still couldn't stop the tears from falling. He was looking terrible and hadn't gotten a grip yet. Mary understood him since his best friend had just died so she tried to support him the best she could. John on the other hand had only shown Sherlock's letter to Greg. He knew Greg would keep it a secret after all they had been through together.

John knew how he had felt about Sherlock for years but had never had the true courage to show those feeling to him. He had always been scared of rejection or disgust from Sherlock's side and losing him as a friend wasn't something John could handle. Now because of him, his best friend was dead.

After the funeral John kept on staying at home, drinking away his sadness and getting drunk most of the time. Until one day Mary came home from work and found John sitting in his chair in the living room. On his left side of his head there was a hole. From the hole leaked a lot of blood making John's clothes and the furniture red and in his hand he held his gun. Next to him on the table lay a note.

"_I will go where my heart belongs"_


End file.
